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What follows is an impromptu lecture given by two strange individuals in suits. They were not asked to attend the conference, nor were they on the list of speakers. But what they said was highly accurate and highly educational. Reproduced below is the full transcript of their brief lecture.

Lecturers: Andrew Edmark and Catie Osborn.

Catie: Alright, ladies and gentleman… Someone must answer this question: the zombies are coming. Do you stay put, flee, or fight?

Andrew: This is an important question.

Catie: Yes, you sir?

Responder 1: Well, ma’am. I’d shoot ‘til I couldn’t shoot no more.

Catie: FAIL!

Responder 1: …Why?

Catie: Completely ignoring your choice to stay and fight, which is almost never the best solution, I must also condemn you for your reliance on a firearm. The weapon of choice in almost any zombie-related situation, of course, is the machete. Why? Because a machete doesn’t need reloading.

Remember that; it could save your life.

Andrew: Also, if you’re trapped in the woods, machetes will double as wood-cutters for fires, as well as triple as tools to clear out brush and other obstructions.

Catie: They will also be useful for hunting, although it is recommended to check the game beforehand to make sure it is not infected.

Andrew: Yes. To reiterate Catie’s earlier point, guns are loud, temperamental, and require reloading, whereas sharp blades (such as machetes) as well as blunt instruments (such as a bat or crowbar) will provide the most coverage and the least amount of maintenance.

Remember that, and you will survive the zombie holocaust

…For a while

Andrew: In the event of a zombie apocalypse, it is very important to find other survivors, and to stay out of populated areas. Which is why Catie condemned this man for his choice to stay and fight.

Andrew: The American Zombie Survival Association recommends heading for Canada in the event of Zombie Holocaust.

Catie: Or Montana. But stock up first! And plan ahead.

Andrew: Yes. For instance, canned foods are your friend.

Catie: I must emphasize that you should not just go gallivanting off somewhere without preparation. Buy a map. And a generator.

Andrew: Keep a high stock of water, as well. You’ll be up shit-creek without a paddle if you have to start drinking from the rivers. They could be crawling with infection.

Catie: Chlorine tablets to purify water are also a good idea.

Responder 1: Well I must say, I don’t plan on running out of ammo and what I don’t shoot I will run over with my truck!

Andrew: Again sir, your statement proves false. But I must applaud you on one account: owning a truck is a good start to surviving the zombie apocalypse because you will need something to carry all of your supplies. Guns are great, please do not misunderstand us. By all means, stock up on ammo! But we must stress, that when it comes down to you and the zombies, you will need more than just a firearm.

Catie: Yes. You better be prepared for when you have to go to hand to hand.

Andrew: You will encounter them at close range, and a rifle, or a shotgun, or even a pistol, will be useless. Once that zombie is trying to bite your hand off, you better be prepared to fill his mouth with something other than led.

Responder 2: What about traveling on main roads?

Andrew: You must assume that most main roads will be clogged with traffic.

Catie: Good point, Andrew.

Andrew: You will most likely need a 4-wheel drive vehicle, and you should be avoiding main roads in that case.

Catie: I was just going to mention that.

Andrew: Many will try to flee their homes to escape the massacre. Simply put, the main roads of any area will be filled with the living dead. Take back roads when you can. Avoid highways and cities unless it is necessary to travel them.

And remember, zombies cannot swim.

Responder 1: Are ya’ll from the city or the country?

Catie: We’re from everywhere, and no where.

Andrew: We cannot give specific locations, for security purposes. Our names, in fact, are completely fake. But we can say that we know both cities and country. We have lived in both. We have been trained from a very young age for the inevitable: The zombies will come. And we must prepare the world.

Responder 3: As an avid hunter, I’d just like to commend the sport and get your opinion on it as a preparation for the possible apocalypse.

Andrew: It is a great sport, as well as great practice for targeting the undead. I suggest attaining a scoped rifle and learning to use it well. Not only is picking off zombies from a distant a safe method of clearing any danger, but it can also be quite useful in passing the time.

Catie: Sir… May I ask what kind of truck do you have?

Responder 3: A ninety-two Z-71 4×4 King Cab–

Catie: Nice

Responder 3: With a six-inch lift.

Andrew: That is an excellent vehicle, sir. Do you service her regularly?

Responder 3: Hell yes!

Andrew: Great, as long as you are confident in your vehicle, you shall succeed. She’ll have to hold up to quite a lot of abuse if you plan on making it anywhere alive.

Catie: But I would recommend a combination chain link/snow plow attachment. For maximum protection.

Andrew: Of course.

Catie: And beer. Stock up on beer.

Andrew: …Anyway, yes. A plow would be great, attached to the front of the vehicle.

Catie: This is something we’ve always wanted to try in the field, but you can also weld spikes onto the plow, too.

Andrew: If you have the time. Spikes or no spikes, however, plow attachments are a great way to get through a horde of zombies, if you need to. Ideally, it is best to avoid them, but with a plow you could get right through with minimal danger, and possibly minimal damage. They do tend to get their limbs caught in some inconvenient places.

Catie: Your best bet is to just stick to back roads.

Andrew: Absolutely. But you must prepared for any and all encounters.

Now, as I was saying earlier, zombies cannot swim. If you have a boat, or have access to a boat and live near a large body of water, you can also use the waterways to get around. As I said, Zombies cannot swim, but they do manage to sometimes walk around the bottom of lakes and ponds. You must be careful in shallow waters, zombies do have a nasty reach.

Catie: Yes, you sir?

Responder 4: Now… I was told by a friend of mine that you’re never to keep a zombie as a pet. Is this true?

Andrew: Yes, your friend is right, sir. Zombies cannot be tamed.

Catie: That’s not even funny to consider!

Andrew: No matter what Hollywod tries to tell you, zombies are dangerous, violent, and most of all, hungry for your flesh. The slightest bite or scratch will infect you and you WILL become a zombie.

Catie: Yes, keep one as a pet and you’ll probably wind up having to shoot your wife and kids.

Seriously.

Andrew: We cannot stress enough that you avoid any contact with a zombie at all costs

Responder 5: Well how fast do you think they can run? Zombies, I mean.

Andrew: Zombies are slow. That is a good question, however. We estimate their speed to be anywhere from .5 to 2mph, depending on their level of decomposition.

Yes, miss? You have a question?

Responder 6: That’s ma’am, thank you. And yes, I do have a question. Is fire a good weapon against the zombie horde?

Andrew: No, fire is a terrible idea. A zombie on fire will quickly spread to structures, other zombies, and gas tanks. You must destroy their brains to kill them; a fire will only exacerbate circumstances.

Catie: Your best bet is just to fucking beat their head in with a bat.

Responder 2: As long as they blow each other up, does it matter?

Andrew: Well, yes and no. If you are not within any range of danger, you can set a zombie on fire. Otherwise, it’s just not good practice. Just imagine: one zombie is on fire, then two, then four… Pretty soon you will be surrounded by the flaming undead. That is not smart, or safe, or advisable under any circumstance.

Catie: And those fuckers aren’t going to just die.

Responder 6: It’ll hurt them, though, right?

Andrew: There is no hurting a zombie They feel no pain. No amount of injury will keep them from coming toward you.

Responder 7: What about chainsaws?

Andrew: A chainsaw would do, I suppose. The association still recommends a machete as your main choice of offense. They’re easy to sharpen, fairly long range, and deliver a powerful blow.

Also, chainsaws require gas. Machetes need only an arm to swing.

Catie: I was just going to state that

Responder 8: Is zombie blood infectious?

Andrew: Yes.

Catie: ….

Andrew: Very much so.

Catie: Really? Did you REALLY just ask that?

Responder 8: Well… I thought it was just their bites that could infect you.

Andrew: Any bodily fluid And I mean any, will infect you.

Catie: So no fucking any zombies or drinking their blood in a victory celebration. It’s happened before, only to end in terrible, terrible agony.

Responder 1: How about zombie dogs?

Andrew: Zombie dogs… Now, that is certainly a factor.

Catie: You don’t even want to KNOW about the zombie dogs.

Andrew: Well, they should probably know about it, Catie. And in answer to your question, sir, our research has shown that communicability from humans to animals is at a very low percentage rate.

Responder 3: Would zombie dogs, or zombie animals in general, be faster than human zombies?

Andrew: While there HAVE been cases of zombie dogs before, we do not consider
them a factor as they are quite rare. But you are correct, zombie dogs would be faster. By about 50-70%.

Andrew: Top speeds are estimated at about 10mph. And they can still jump…

Catie: Although clinical trials show that this is at a intrinsically lower height

Andrew: Yes

Responder 8: What about them irritating dog whistles. Those should keep them zombie dogs at bay, no?

Catie: Are you CRAZY? Any noise; any noise at all will bring a horde of zombie-ass motherfuckers right to you. Fight quiet. Fight fast.

Responder 9: So… How do you prevent getting infected, other than not getting bit?

Andrew: Hygeine is crucial. You get blood on you, you wash it off immediately. Burn any clothes soaked in infected blood, carry alcohol with you at all times. You must sterilize and disinfect as much as possible. It is near-impossible to fathom every different way the infection could get inside your system. Most overlooked is nail biting… Don’t do it. That’s the quickest way to joining the zombie horde.

You simply must avoid contact with infected blood at any and all costs. If you are involved in a one-on-one encounter with a zombie, you MUST be careful to avoid sprays, gushes, and any other forms of bodily fluid.

Responder 10: Is zombie blood different from normal, human blood.

Catie: Yes. It’s congealed, for one, like a thick sauce.

Andrew: Also it pools in certain areas, due to lack of circulation. A zombie may still be moving around, but their hearts and other internal organs are no longer functioning. Therefore, blood spray should be minimal. However, if you make a “money shot” as we refer to it, there will be much blood.

Catie: Get that shit in your eye and you’re fucked.

Andrew: These spots are where blood typically pools in an upright, walking zombie. That is why you must go for the head, blood tends not to pool in this area.

Catie: Never, ever, ever go for the feet. Ever. Know why? Because your ass is swimming in a fucking pool of zombie blood if you do. Hit the head, eliminate the threat.

Responder 10: But what if a zombie is chasing you? A shot to the feet sounds good. It would slow them down.

Andrew: Zombies do not chase.

Catie: A legless zombie is just a zombie that can crawl.

Andrew: Feet or no, they will keep coming.

Catie: And coming. They never sleep, they never stop to rest, and they are all part of a mindless, soulless horde.

Andrew: Also, if they’re crawling, it’s not your neck they’ll be biting. If you know what I mean.

Catie: Which leaves you just enough time to be in absolute agony before the toxins creep
into your system and turn you.

Catie: When carrying a gun, be sure that you always keep a clip with just one bullet. If you find yourself to be bitten or infected in anyway… Do yourself a favor, and plug that piece of lead into your skull. You will thank yourself later in heaven.

Responder 5: Alright, I have a question. Where exactly do you go during a zombie apocalypse. I was thinking it might be smart to hold up in a mall.

Catie: *laughs* Holding up in a mall? That shit is for amateurs. You know what happens in a mall? People die in malls! Hold up in a mall, and you’ve just trapped yourself in a building with virtually no way out and a limited supply source.

Andrew: Yes. What Catie is trying to say is that a mall is a temporary solution. You cannot stay there forever. The association recommends instead that it is best to head for the country.

Find a farm and start growing your own food as soon as possible. Threat is minimal in the country and the zombies will be spread thin.

Responder 7: Can food get infected?

Catie: Not unless your sorry ass is mixing zombie blood in with the pizza sauce.

Andrew: We’ve done the research; the virus cannot survive outside of a human body for more than four hours.

Catie: But in some cases, it can be up to ten hours.

Andrew: As long as the food has not come in direct contact with zombie fluid, you should be fine.

Responder 10: What if a zombie falls in your corn field?

Andrew: Then move and dispose of the body. DO NOT leave it on your field. Take proper precautions. Wear protection, move the body, and burn it. The blood in the soil will not affect the crops. As far as we know, the virus cannot fuse with plant life.

Responder 11: What about fishing? Is that safe?

Catie: Fishing would be a good source of resources.

Andrew: Yes.

Catie: But watch out for bottom-dwelling zombies.

Andrew: As stated earlier, zombies cannot drown. Watch out for any that may be stumbling about on the bottom. Always assume there are undead in your pond.

Catie: They will reach up, and pull you down.

Andrew: And if you are worried about the fish being infected, don’t. If properly prepared and cooked, any virus contained in the fish, as minimal as a chance that would be, the fire from cooking will undoubtedly destroy it.

Catie: While boating or fishing, be sure to watch out for female zombies. Their longer hair can tangle in your propellers.

Andrew: Are there any more questions?

Responder 12: What about the birds?

Andrew: Zombie birds have been suggested before. As far as we know, there have been no accounts of the undead in the sky. But, it is a legitimate concern. Be prepared.

Responder 1: What is the life span of a zombie?

Catie: Zombies never die.

Andrew: Zombies are already dead. However, in the worst case scenario, zombies have been known to function for as much as four years. Before they’re reduced to crumbled heaps of dead flesh, bone, and dust.

Catie: They will continue to hunger for flesh until they literally decompose on the spot

Andrew: On average, you must assume all zombies will continue to haunt the earth for as little as two full years and as many as 10. But keep in mind, there are new infected every day. Once the threat has been introduced to the world, it will never disappear.

Catie: Even the disembodied heads and hands of the infected have been known to exist far
past the “life” of the body.

Responder 13: Why do zombies go after living things? What are they wanting?

Andrew: A very good question, ma’am. This has been a question plaguing scientists for years.

Catie: Our research indicates that perhaps it is the effect of the virus.

Andrew: The best answer we can give is that the virus itself destroys all but the most basic of abilities in the mind. The virus shuts down all systems in the body, save the nervous system. The brain still functions, albeit at a minimal level, as well as sight and basic motor skills. As a result of this defiance of medical law, the virus craves sustenance.

Catie: It wants to survive.

Andrew: Even though the body itself does not have a working digestive system, the mind (or perhaps the virus itself) forces the body to eat.

Catie: But to no satisfaction.

Andrew: Using base coding found in the human brain, the virus craves the flesh of the living.

Catie: In a zombie there is only one feeling: constant, gnawing hunger.

Andrew: But the hunger is never fulfilled. A zombie will hunger until the day it drops to the earth, never to move again.

Responder 13: So humanity’s baser instincts call it to eat living flesh?

Catie: No. This is a common misconception.

Andrew: Indeed

Catie: It is the virus that causes this urge. The virus attacks the human mind completely controlling all functions.
Catie: Run a search for Toxoplasma gondii. It’s a real virus or parasite with the power to control the mind. Just like the zombie virus, which causes an endless and unstoppable need for human flesh.

Andrew: Before we finish this lecture, we’d like to leave you with some parting words. Catie?

Catie: When forced to choose between yourself and someone else, zombies do not pick and choose. Neither should you. If you encounter a zombie, whether it is an old friend, a family member, or even your significant other. You shoot them in the head. No second guessing, no remorse. Do what is necessary to survive. Understand?

Andrew: And with that, we shall conclude our zombie lecture. Thank you all so much for coming. Good night and good luck. The zombie apocalypse is approaching.