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Sari Polakow didn’t like people. When she was seven years old her parents quickly learned this fact the day they get a call from the principal’s office. For the entire school year Sari had said only six words; all of them at once. And it was the day the principle called that she used them. In the last seat of the last row in her second-grade class Sari threw over her desk during quiet reading time and screamed “I hate everyone in this room!”

Nobody knew why Sari was the way she was. During the 10 years of school she had left, Sari’s parents tried endlessly to get her to stop hating everyone. But they could not. Sari couldn’t be saved. She didn’t want to be saved. And after she graduated, she packed her things and moved away, leaving no notes or a forwarding address. Sari just wanted to be alone. And now she can be, because nobody, not even her parents, will ever see Sari again…

So… Here I am, sitting at my computer desk at 2 o’clock in the morning, watching some flicks on the site and avoiding last-minute homework, and I can’t help but entertain the thought that keeps bouncing through my mind like a ping-pong ball gone astray: What if I make it?

This question excites me, folks. My palms get sweaty, the back of my throat starts to tickle and my chest starts to inflate with so much anticipation my lungs get squished like those little French crepe things. But that very same question also scares the bejeezus out of me. Whatever chance I have of winning is met with full-on force by the more-likely chance of not making it. As someone who tries to be very practical about the issues in his life, I try to remain as realistic as possible. Sometimes that comes off as being pessimistic, but in reality I am afflicted with what you could call a sunny disposition. But still, I am asking myself What if I make it? But at the same time, I am also asking myself What if you don’t make it?

Usually I would shrug questions like these off, but I’ve decided to entertain them for the sake of other OTL contestants who might happen upon this poor excuse of a blog.

Okay, so if I make it… What would happen? Well, I would most likely have to leave school early, possibly rendering this entire semester worthless. I would be taking a big risk, but on the other hand I would get a lot of publicity by being on the show. I would hopefully get to meet Spielberg himself, and also meet others in the industry who could help me with future projects down the road. And of course, I would get to make short films for free and with professionals who know what their doing and have them seen by millions of people across the world. And if I prove myself worthy, I could even score that shiny production deal hanging over everyone’s head. But that’s a lot of ifs. A LOT. I haven’t even got a call yet, so I can’t be rushing ahead of myself here.

So here’s what will happen if I don’t make it. That feeling in my chest will reverse itself and my heart will be crushed into a thousand pieces. That tingle in my throat will turn to vomit, and my sweaty palms will be thrashing at any object within reach. All of this will happen in a very short amount of time, but then I will be fine again. I’ll realize that, hey, it’s not the end of the world. I still made a short film that I am very proud of. Just because I didn’t get picked for the show, does not mean I am not talented or that I have no future in film making.

You know what it’ll mean? Nothing, that’s what it’ll mean. You know why? Because I don’t have anything crucial riding on this show. I didn’t quit my job, I didn’t quit school; really, I didn’t sacrifice anything to make my movie and enter this competition except for lots and lots of time and energy. What I gained from this experience far outweighs any amount of money or TV fame. I learned how to make a movie. And you know what? I also learned that I still want to make movies. You know why? Because I was born to do it. I wasn’t born to compete on a show about film creation. I was born to create films. So that’s what I’m gonna do, with or without the help of Spielberg and his show. If I don’t make it, there are still places for me to go and there are still things for me to do. Film festivals and local screenings are a good start. But even better is going out there to shoot another film.

No sir, this won’t be the end for ol’ Andrew.

But what if I did make it? Man, think of the fun. Think of the experience. Think of the people and the fame and even the money. But most of all, think of the girls.

Yea. I’m thinking about it all. And whatever happens, I’ll take it all in stride and keep on going. Nothing’s going to stop me from doing what I love.